Posted on: Monday, September 6th, 2010
Posted in: Movie Reviews
Comments: 56
Machete Movie Review
Short Version: Machete is exactly what I asked for! I demanded way back when thatwe see an expansion to the fake parody “machete” trailer in the grindhouse films. Blood, Gore, Action and Nudity are abundant in this first big budget “Mexploitation” film! However, the heavy political message and lackluster plot hold Machete back from paying true homage and delivering in full.
Angry Movie Review
What you’ll Like:
• Blood, Gore, Action, and Gratuitous Nudity! Exploitation Films FTW!
• Danny Trejo only has one “setting” – Bad Ass. And that’s all he needs!
• The jokes were funny, especially the scene with the henchmen questioning their orders.
• Steven Seagal’s Mexican Accent.
• Best Part:Steven Seagals sword fight with Machete and how it ends! LOL!
What you’ll Hate:
• Should have stuck with its Exploitation Roots in its plot rather than trying to deliver a Political Message.
• Never really exceeds the Bad Ass Level of the Fake Parody Trailer its supposed to be expanding on.
• A bit uneven, the 2nd act drags.
• Worst Part: Jessica Alba’s Acting.
Final Verdict:
7/10
Great!
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56 thoughts on “Machete Movie Review”
joe is AWESOME
when he mentioned the cell phone and the vagina i cracked the hell up!!!
Angry Joe should have reviewed Hobo With A Shotgun, another grindhouse parody i thought was pretty good.
Fully understand you, I made my blog but isn’t so good as yours
I agree with you on pretty much every point of this movie. Danny is perfect and the movie is 100% on point in its campyness and that makes it alot of fun to watch. But jessica was miscast and the movie pryes an overbearing political message that feels like its supposed to be taken seriously in a movie that’s not serious in the least bit. a good movie but doesn’t stand up to grindhouse parodies like Planet Terror and Black Dynamite which had fun with all the way threw.
Speaking of which, you should do a review on Black Dynamite. Not nearly enough people have discovered some great movies recently for whatever reason and are missing near classics in favor watching junk like… really taking your pick. its like Scott Pilgrim getting boned by The Other Guys.
How come didn’t you even mention Cheech Marin’s contribution to the film.
wassup pendejos?
Dear Robert Rodriguez,
I expect mindless violence to be exactly as it sounds. Once you start throwing in cultural issues then things start to get murky and detract from the movie. Please don’t start being like all the other Hollywood morons. Thank you.
Some sith lords like the sound of metal cutting flesh!
(Know what im sayin Joe?)
Holy Shit Joe, i didnt know you where Puerto Rican. Hi all the way here from Puerto Rico bro, am i the only homeboy here from the island? BTW Great review, gotta see it soon.
Another political message from Hollywood? Oh nooo….
So I take it we’re going to see a Danny Trejo’s Vengenace review come November
http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/danny-trejos-vengeance/international-teaser-trailer
anyway how can we help angryjoe get his hands on a ps3? more games for joe means more reviews for us and personally i’d like to see joe review some ps3 games too
Jessica Alba’s part was written for Carla Gugino (sexy lady and great actress yet tragically underrated.) But the studio wanted a younger, more recognizable actress so we got Jessica Alba and cgi titties. Check out Sin City, Carla’s got the goods for those scenes and isn’t afraid to do it for real.
Machete was Great! But if you wanna get the mans foot out ya ass, watch Black Dynamite, oooh yea! lol Good review Joe
That was a hilarious intro Joe. Probably the best I’ve seen of you yet. “Noooo, they’ve killed my brother!!!” Hahaha, that was comedy gold. I also love how clean and snappy you always manage to cut your reviews. Keep it up.
Angryjoe is right, Jessica Allba really was the weakest link in the movie. I was really disappointed with her performance. They should’ve used Salma Hayek in her place.
nice review i’d like to see the movie…but more games reviews make movie a maybe review games are the reason angry joe is angry joe!
All u Fukn Haters can go pull ur cell phones outta ur pussies and call some1 who gives a fuk!!!
MACHETE = best movie of all time!! in the first scene alone, he cuts off 3 heads in 1 swing!! if the political shit bothered u then u r taking it too seriously. just because there werent any visible boom mics doesnt mean MACHETE was trying to be something it wasnt. Steven Segal was cast for his obvious bad accent and Jessica Alba is so hott, she coulda played a fukn retard and still would have delivered a great performance. this was definitely a movie for hardcore fans and Robert Rodriguez is successful enough that he doesnt have to make sure that every1 ‘gets it’ or will agree with how the movie flowed. if u didnt like this movie ur a fukn troll. ANGRY JOE- who wants to see a hott chick pull a cell phone outta her vagooter and use it? ME MUTHAFUKR!!! CUZ IM SICK IN THE HEAD AND THIS MOVIE WAS MADE FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME U FUKN CHOIRBOY!!
Dude.. chill out, we are in the same comunity here, no need to go “charlie manson” on us, but i agree whit you, the movie looks awsome and yes a girl that’s calling on a pussyjuice covered cellphone is fuckin hot, if she would pull out a hole phonebooth i’ll still watch it, but i don’t blame joe for not beyin as perverted like us, and i don’t believe he’s a choirboy qause i don’t see joe fuckin a priest, just sayin.. that comes whit the job discription, Don’t think he’s in to that, geuss he one of those guys who likes dry pussy, got a friend like that, he just woops it in dry, i don’t now wy, but still… you need a hard and tuff dick for that kinda shit! it’s crazy am telling ya, i once tested it out.. tought my dick whas gonna break.. no shit! oh yeah and just so you know MAKING LETTERS BIGGER AINT SCARY, it just takes more time qause you have to press an extra button, just sayin, don’t want you to spoil to much time on something that’s ineffective, you can just use an ! instead and then we know.. this dude is yelling or he’s angry, but never the less we aint the “happy” joe army so you are very welcome to amuse us some more whit you’re angry letter construction thing you got going there, okay? see ya later bro
… yeah… first, learn to type correctly if your gonna be a dick, I’d like to atleast be able see that you a dickhead… and wrong. Secondly, maybe if you payed any attention to the actual review instead of jumping right to the comments, you’d know he marked it a 7/10 (great.)
Now I don’t know if you just off your meds or if you mommy just dropped you one to many times, but you need to put down the keyboard and seek help.
Now to try and counter your points:
“In the first scene alone, he cuts off 3 heads in 1 swing!!”
It was four heads dumbass and if you seen These kind of films, that not that big a deal.
“if the political shit bothered u then u r taking it too seriously.”
… So if the PLOT bothered him he needed to ignore it? let me guess you thought airbender was the american crouching tiger.
“Jessica Alba is so hott, she coulda played a fukn retard and still would have delivered a great performance.”
This line is just wrong, and the fact that you said it alone means you need to fuck off back to glitter and stay there.
“definitely a movie for hardcore fans”
Name 6 Robert Rodriguez movies. (actor, director, sneezed on the celluloid.)
“if u didnt like this movie ur a fukn troll.”
… You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.
“who wants to see a hott chick pull a cell phone outta her vagooter and use it? ME MUTHAFUKR!!!”
you know, that says alot about the kind of women you like… most likely the kind that can only be touch though a hazmat suit.
“CUZ IM SICK IN THE HEAD AND THIS MOVIE WAS MADE FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME U FUKN CHOIRBOY!! HULK HOGAN!!!!”
No… no it wasn’t, if Robert Rodriguez put a political message into his movie, he want people to see it, not ignore it. So no, this movie was not made for your retardation.
pure badass review
Is any white person in this movie a good guy?
Also if the roles were reversed, would you complain about the racism?
Think about that and it will tell you a lot.
As a mexican, I speak for my people when we say “the pinche movie theatre cost too fucking much ese.” Seriously I can’t speak for the one dodging the man over in Texas, but in Cali we swamed the motherfucker…where la migra was waiting.
Thank Zod I was born in the states.
I have to disagree with you about one thing, Joe. You said that the plot didn’t seem much like an old exploitation movie… but I think the whole person being wronged and out for vengeance plot is pretty standard for exploitation. Unless of course you don’t consider some of the old (or even modern) revenge flicks to be exploitation. Anyway, just one minor disagreement there. It seems like you and Brad Jones are the only reviewers I trust anymore, ha.
When I saw an extended trailer that came out in Cinco de Mayo (May 5th) I was worried that the political undertones were going to ruin the exploitation experience. To me they didn’t. The original fake trailer’s plot was an illegal alien hired on as an assassin to kill a senator rallying to block the U.S. boarders. Its the same thing that Blacksploitation movies back in the 70s did while the civil rights movements were going on. Though whether you agree with the undertones of this movie or not, the movie is what it is, Mexploitation. Though I do agree that there should have been less dialogue and more killing. Jessica Alba was terrible, and I wasn’t very fond of Steven Segal’s acting either. Personally, I loved this movie. My rating would have been 4/5. But if you didn’t like this movie, give it another chance, it might grow on you. I felt disappointed when I first walked out of Death Proof but the more I watched it, the more I saw it for what it was. Especially when I learned that 70s Horror movies used 80% of the screen time to build up the third act. It doesn’t fly with today’s standards but its a great throwback to 70s B movies. Which is what this movie was.
This film is easily one of the stupidest films of all time.
The choreography is horrible. Even light sabers don’t slash that effortlessly.
The acting is beyond terrible. The protagonist changes between two face expressions throughout the entire film, and with this is this hedonistic being of which all women desire and readily open their legs for. Women in this film are also portrayed as having the intelligence of a coffee table. B.t.w. Jessica Alba as a Mexican cop/agent? Wtf No.
The plot is idiotic. Not only is it way over the top while insulting the intelligence of the viewer, but it is also cliche-ridden, over-dramatic, completely flat waste of existence. I know its intended to be stupid but… come on.
Waste of time, waste of money and painful to sit through. I can’t see where the 7/10 comes from. Sigh.
Saw the movie on a bootleg copy.
Wow.
Not since ‘Birth of a Nation’ have I seen such a racist backwash of a film. I’m glad I didn’t pay money to see this insult.
Plus, nice standard southerner stereotype Joe. Now I won’t feel guilty making lazy Mexican jokes anymore now that i know it’s ok to say unjustified racial stabs.
Bad form dude.
Looks like a solid, and fun movie, I’ll definitely have to look it up, It’s to bad the layered it so thick with political statements but meh it’s a movie whatever, I want blood guts tits and Michelle Rodriguez, sounds like win to me.
Wow, that scene where Machete did a Die Hard jump with that guys intestines looked really nasty. And painful.
I really have to see this movie. I wonder when it is shown here in Finland.
I enjoyed the movie, there were scenes so crazy that it was funny. I wonder if it’s limitations are from two things: 1) the trailer, maybe they tried to make the movie too close to what the trailer portrait ed. 2) The political message. I myself knew that the “message” is as much of a backdrop as most spy movies have.. in order to make villains, but I know some people don’t want to see the movie because of the “message”. Most people have strong opinions about this issue.
Joe is right, Lindsay isn’t in the movie enough to ruin the movie. I really think Robert put her in to give her a chance to show she’s over her “issues”. I also think that Jessica Alba is in it for that one shower scene in the movie. She doesn’t really get her movies for her acting chops, she gets them because she’s gorgeous. Michelle Rodriquez was great, but she’s really type-cast, much like Michael Cera, where she plays the tough chick. She did that well enough, but I think she trained hard to make her abs look sexy for the movie, and that sure worked. It’s funny that her character is known as “She” as a female parody of “Che”
I did like the movie, and I might give it a 7.5, or maybe an 8, because the whole movie was fun, even in the floundering middle. It was interesting to see Danny as a good guy, seems like every movie I had seen him in before is a bad guy or a vampire bad guy. I wish Sex Machine had a larger role. Oh and Steven Seagal playing a Mexican was great like Dinero playing an IRISH TEXAN! hahaha..(his name is McLoughlin, very Irish)
Great review Joe, you did it great again
Joe is Puerto Rican? I had no idea we had people down there!
hey joe, you do know that machete was from spy kids right, so basically this is spy kids gone wild.
But they soon realized that they fucked with the wrong Norwegian!
Mach-Etay
What’s the name of the song 8-bit tune at 0.55?
Original song is Callenish Circle – Suffer My Disbelief, maybe it’s fan made tune. I haven’t heard it anywhere else.
angryjoe can you do a mafia 2 rewiew
What happened with Jessica Alba… she was great in Dark Angel back in the days… Did she forgot how to act since then? For a girl who wanted to leave the action flick behind her and get more serious movies (she was jalous of Natalie Portman carrer if i remember well) She sure dont have take the right direction….
I wonder if Angry Joe has heard of House of the Dead: Overkill. Anyway this movie looks interesting.
Dude is that Tom Savini, the master of gore, in that movie?
Sure was him!
Yeah I noticed the appearance of Sex Machine too! The guy is a ledge. I even prefer his version of night of the living dead over the original black and white Romero one. NOTE: Don’t get me wrong of course, Romero’s Dawn and Day are unbeatable, even if the Dawn remake (which has a pretty grin-inducing cameo by him) gave it a damn good shot. Anywho, I wonder if he’ll ever get to follow Trejo and get to do a bigger role in something. For a guy whose made a career rep behind the camera, the guy has a hell of a lot of on-screen charisma every time he makes an appearance.
Nice review but I just don’t think I can make myself go watch it. When I manage to get to the movies I prefer not to be preached at. Its a shame because I think I would have liked it otherwise.
It’s been out for three days and it’s recovered almost half of it’s gross budget. I may not know much about movie economics, but isn’t that doing okay? It doesn’t look like the film will bomb… at least in my eyes.
The Intro was fucking epic!
I sometimes hate the acted stuff, but that was glorious! Kudos!
This review made me laugh so hard, i must admit i have never been a fan of your MOVIE reviews (love the game reviews) but this was great, unfortunately i cant stand poorly done motivation/rally speeches in movies, they can ruin it all for me and i have more than once left the theater during one.
Seems more like a movie i would buy on dvd (yes i still pay for dvds, dont mock me) than one i would go to the theater to see, but i guess by the time it gets to Denmark i can just get the dvd shipped from America, i still have to wait for a little more than a month for Scott Pilgrim.
But again, great review, loved the intro, i was laughing non stop for the first 5 min
.
Are U puerto rican???
wow, I really were waiting just an tipical expansion of the mock trailler of grindhouse. I really liked the priest character on the trailer. Tough luck. Good work.
I’m looking forward to seeing this beast when it FINALLY gets realeased in the UK and enoyed your review Joe.
I wasn’t holding out too much hope for talent being shown by the actresses in Machete. Thats not really that much of an issue since in an exploitation flick, women usually get shoved down to purely TnA but its also good when they have a strong personality to go with it and figure out the tone of the genre (like Rose McGowan in planet terror). So please tell me they aren’t ALL irritating!
I’ve been a Trejo fan for ages and its about damn time he got to headline something. I think any political undertones about border control were just too hard to pass up, seeing as to their recent appearance all over the news. They obbviously bet it would put bums on seats, hopefully it doesn’t backfire and hurt the box office takings.
You make a decent point about Grindhouse and exploitation parodies being misunderstood by many. My girlfriend for instance, HATES THEM. She cannot understand why someone would do a film badly on purpose. I just nod and smile when she rants about it.
Anywho, You’ve pretty much washed away my fears for this one and am glad its indeed a laugh and a half. I can’t wait to watch and review it myself.
Cheers,
Boosty
Black Dynamite blew me away…
I plan on seeing this as soon as I have more than $3 to my name.
Kind of weird that the South Lamar Alamo wasn’t playing it opening night…
Neither was Lake Creek I had to go to the Alamo Village.
hey joe are u really puertorican?
I haven’t seen the movie (I kinda want to), but I dunno. This kind of movie seems like something I should watch whenever it shows up on HBO. Maybe it’s just me, but for movies like this, I feel like I need to be enjoying this with some friends I can talk about this with during the movie, not after it.
Granted, that’s not to the movie’s detriment. I find movies better whenever I can chat about them while the movie’s going.
I absolutely loved the intro bit. I’m kinda amazed how you consistently put so much effort into every episode but color me impressed.
Also I’m kinda curious, who is that girl in the background. I keep hearing her in Lordkat’s stream when your on it
Wow. You’re badass! This was a freakin’ amazing parody haha.. and i love where you pulled out your phone..
This movie was exactly what I expected it to be. And it was awesome. Even with some horrible acting.. it was great. Silly, entertaining, and fun. I’d watch it again with my friends, though, I doubt I’d own it myself. I’d give it a higher rating. 9/10.