The Witcher 2 Sexy Review
Release Date: May 17, 2011
Platform: Xbox 360, PC, PS3
Developer: CD Projekt RED
Publisher: Warner Bros Interactive
Genre: RPG
Players: 1 Offline Player
Angry Joe takes a serious long hard lustful look at The Witcher 2, the most mature adult oriented RPG he’s had the pleasure of playing. This game has sex and titties, now hold up – before you run out and buy it, check the review for what else you can expect!
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188 thoughts on “The Witcher 2 Sexy Review”
As a guy from beautiful country Poland, I want to say just one thing, Joe. It’s really nice, that you didn’t just play in the game, but also you’ve got a knowledge about history of the game’s background, with the books and… sigh… a movie. It’s just… nice to know that on the West people know something about our Sapkowski
I was asking myself when I played this game ” Why haven’t Angry Joe made a review for this yet?”. I knew you gonna play this game eventually Joe. I knew it!
Joe, why you didnt mention that this game is absolutely free from corporate bullshit? Patch removes DRM from retail versions of the game (GOG.com didn’t have it in first place) and adds all existing DLC for FREE.
Joe, you are dirty dirty man… XD I really wasn’t sure what to expect when you said you were going to do a review on this game. I kept thinking that you’d prepare a skit similar to the original Dragon Age review or Two World’s II review you did dressed up in armor with your Windlass fantasy sword and all. Still a good take on it. I disagree with fast track needing to be implemented as the game isn’t an open world continent like the Elder Scroll’s series and is rather a corridor RPG with expansive levels. If it was a game that was constantly traveling extremely long distances in an open world sure, fast travel but it isn’t.
The fighting system is much better in number 2 and the targeting can be tricky but, as other commentators have noted, as long as you keep the enemy you want to target in the middle of the screen it will stay on target. The strong, fast, and group (late game) are still there like in the first one except it is dynamic and interactive where you click you swing unlike the first game. At first it seems entirely different but when you break it down it is a natural evolution over the old system since the core three styles remain. I also appreciate the wide range of weapon and armor types that weren’t present in the first game. The first game had only three or four different sets of armor and a few variants of the steel sword and only a few kinds of silver swords unlike this game which has a lot of cool weapon and armor models.
The game does feel a bit rushed on the last chapter like they ran out of budget and decided to tidy it up and release it. I would love to see an expansion pack, even if I have to pay for it, if it includes another one to three lengthy chapters that either encompasses one of the three items. Those three being finding Yennefer, uniting the Northern Kingdoms, and or starting a war with Niflgard. That would be awesome. Right now the way the game ends is a good cliff hanger as it tidies up the main story so you understand who’s really behind the assassination of the Northern Kings and for what purpose but leaves a big “What’s next?” cliff hanger at the end. Over all great review and have fun ‘ploughing’!
for those complaining about the controller, this game is on the pc. Sure, the game may have been made in mind with a controller, but keyboard controls are not that bad. i dont play any of my pc games with a controller, and i’d prefer it to stay that way. so all this controller stuff can shove it. I dont wanna piss people off, but that’s my opinion.
What is this all about anyways??? I don’t get half this stuff.l
What is this all about anyways???
I usually never post here, but have to say something that’s been on my mind since I saw the intro to your review.
If we want game companies to treat us like adults, we as a community shouldn’t produce reviews like this. I am of course aware that the slow motion abuse and wanking jokes were all in good humor, but it’s this kind of thing that forms a negative public opinion.
So what I’m saying is: Joe, great review! But if you want to really want to stop game companies treating you and others like teenage porn addicts, you need to go distance yourself from this kind of humor and behave like an adult, too. That doesn’t mean you can’t be funny – just in another way.
I don’t want to troll, or flame anyone. I like Joes reviews just as much as anyone here.
Joe’s way of reviewing games has no affect whatsoever on how the gaming industry views his audience.
The vast majority of kids (who are their most numerous customers) will always like violence, sex and immediate gratification.
To all you guys thinking of downloading this game through a torrent or something: don’t! Support, bitches! It’s sooo worth your money, and buying the game supports the creator. Don’t give those corporate mass money usurpers the joy of seeing a smaller developer bite the dust! Got the game now in a collector’s edition (cool and useful extras), gotta say don’t really have a problem with the combat nor the inventory. I’ve seen a lot worse. Love it!
Hahaha, this is POLAND, beach!
more like witcher porn 2!
too low IMO
The Xbox controller alleviates some issues but the fact that you can’t invert the Y-axis makes combat a f*cking nightmare. The game has potential but I just can’t bring myself to play it with such horrible controls.
Ummm…
http://img163.imageshack.us/img163/5306/joem.jpg
Right there under the input options.
Very good. You found the KEYBOARD inverter. However, I should be less snarky and ask: Does that inverter also invert the GAMEPAD? I can’t test it as I’m at work. If it does, then there’s hope yet. If it doesn’t… well, that’s a whole new bag of worms to open up.
Cleverly hidden under the options/input/gamepad settings.
http://img109.imageshack.us/img109/6492/ghjc.jpg
LOL. Next complaint.
LOL. Is this game for you? Because there are some quests where you have to investigate to find first and doesn’t have a glowing marker for every quest.
Joe you need to play demon’s souls for ps3. That is actually a good and hard game. Dark souls coming also. It’s going to be awesome.
8 is a bit low imo…still a nice score
did you use Ubersampeling because that bring a 580 to its knees
tutorial is bad, but you can find everything in the menu
Epic Game
Great review, even Obama approves of it.
Great review! I really enjoyed it.
Great review.Although I think you started to nitpick a little too much.
A suberb game,9/10 for me after finishing once and a contender for Game of the Year.
Bring it on Skyrim/Deus Ex!
You also got to give CDProjekt some kudos for free DLCs. Whereas Bioware main reason to get rid of customizable companions’ gear and not having toolset available in DA2 was so they can charge you gears, weapons, etc as DLC.
Hi Joe i was sitting here wondering, why does he have socks in his hands? and then i thought “hey maybe he’s ashamed of he’s incredibly small penis that he stuck them in his pants?” so do you have them in youre pants joe?
I lIke your style to review….is awesome…..Informacion + Risas = Bad Ass Approvement For joe…10/10…
Awesome review! Some supposed AAA gaming webs can learn a lot of your fresh and helpful reviews. Good job!.
By the way, can you take a look to InFamous 2? there are some mixed reviews out there… Specially the gamespot review bash the game completely.
Cheers!
Joe comes across as really creepy in this review.
Great fuckin’ review Joe XD. Congrats on finally getting to it.
This is the part where all of the fans start asking for the Duke Nukem review XD.
Good luck
It’s a great review Joe, and I completely agree with your score. IMO, the main negative sides of this game is that it’s too short, eKspeshially the third act which had a great potential but is pretty much ruined by its shortness, bad graphics optimization and obvious console orientation (which caused problems with inventory, targeting, etc.). I’m not against the consoles, but when the developers say that the game is PC oriented and console players should wait for half a year for a release on their platform it is they who should suffer from a PC game problems, not the opposite.
But still this is a great game with a potential for 10/10, and this year only Skyrim has the chances to take the title of Best RPG of the year (or GotY) from it.
And i also wanted to say that for me the Witcher (1) is one of the best RPGs ever made, comparing to the 2-nd game it’s much more longer, and the combat system is better, I’m just saying.
Sorry for my bad English guys ;(
Joe, they made it like that on purpose cause they wanted the game to be hard. The lack of tutorial might “meh” but it’s the fun of exploring the game’s systems yourself. They were inspired by Demon’s Souls (Shame you don’t seem to play PS3 cause that’s a badass game) and how hard that was.
And we all know there’d be hard things when it comes to those women
I don’t mean to oppose you, but listen to yourself. Saying a lack of tutorial adds to the difficulty? It doesn’t. It’s difficult to drive on ice, but if I take the steering wheel so you just get to brake and accelerate, does that add to difficulty, or purposely make it unfair? I’m all for Witcher 2 trying to be difficult, but if they have to resort to not explaining the controls, then perhaps they don’t know how to get difficulty and just raise and lower the fairness of the game.
It’s a bad game design, and really should be fixed.
Read the manual and journal, it will tell you everything you need to know. Am I the only one who reads these things?
lol your reviews are awesome! I love this game, possible one of the best rpgs i’ve ever played. And Steam now only wants 39.99 for it! I totally agree with you on this review Angry Joe.
My only gripe is the not being able to drink potions on the fly anymore, that is totally gay. I’m hoping that a dedicated fan will make a mod to include that into the game in the future or maybe the company will patch it ( doubtful).
I wanna hear what Obama thinks of this game
I have been thinking of getting the witcher but idunno
1) Still best gaming reviewer on the planet
2) Corporate Command needs his own game (Ironically). Best original Xter in gamin for a while lol
I know AJ doesn’t play or review PS3 games so Demon Souls was missed but Dark Souls is coming to the 360 (and I think the PC) so I’m guessing, if AJ enjoyed The Witcher2 then AJ’s got to give Dark Souls a go.
It’s on many people’s most anticipated game’s list so I hope you bring us some solid info on it at E3
I’m from Poland and I want to say something really quick. We made a computer in the 60s which was stronger then any computer until the 80s.
i am Polish too, nobody here cares, project is long dead, and why do you bringing it up? WTF?
anyway, about the review: oh my god, Joe! not the Wither movie! arrgh, why do you had to remind me of it, aaargh… it is so embarrassing
LOL, there is always a few idiots here, who always must say to foreigners Yo, Walesa, Pope, kielbasa, Dudek… Now that computer, cause portals reminded it lately…
That is sad, because all those fools forget ABOUT MELEX !!!!111 lol
Completely agree with u joe. i died like 6 times in the first fighting scene cos it didn’t show me how to dodge,parry,using potions..Also, unable to drink potions in middle of the fight is kind of suck,cos it force u to quicksave, guess which enemy u gonna encounter, quickload if u guess wrong…But after u get used to that, it’s amazing game.i gave it a 9/10
oh shizzle! nice review been waiting for like two days checking the site all the time hehe
Sorry for nitpicking Joe just one thing this must be said. Rivia is not Geralts homeland he wasn’t born there and he didn’t rise there either, he was an orphan. He picked that land so that his name sounded in some way respectfully.
You can actually lock on to enemies by pressing the alt button, but yeah, the combat system isnt the greatest but its not as shitty as its predecessor. But even that, as well as inventory management was never annoying enough to not greatly enjoy both games’ atmosphere and storytelling. This imho is nothing like the rather bland shit Bioware is trying to sell us with their Dragon Age universe. I hope theres much more of this coming our way.
P.S.: You gotta love those guys for their distribution politics. Instead of robbing people of their money with mini content upgrades that aren’t nearly worth it, you’ll get everything free of charge (barring a REAL add-on that is). They did so with the first one too(if you’d bought the original release, you got all the extra Enhanced Edition stuff free of charge).
Ive got to get dis game it looks great but hard
Joe polish fans love you now even more because of this review
Wściekły Józio do boju !!!
Sorry Joe – no decision between Trice and jeniffer – RTFM.. B. you only need the first two books to get the setting.
as not to spoiler – Heralt fucked something up so hes fate was magically bound to one of these women. he cant really choose.
also – he still can bone both. beeing 300+ years old changes the way people see sex, and witchers are especially “attracitve” to magicians – due to theyr “magical echo” / it tingles on tuoch^^
If anything, finishing this game only two times is already an incredible experience.
Also, I really liked the fact that there was no fast travel, so I really hope that if they add it (like joe wants), they only add it to the casual difficulty. I would also need to say that the targeting system is not broken, there’s a yellow symbol on the guy that you are attacking AT ALL TIMES. Maybe the symbol is sometimes in the wrong place or something, but I didn’t even notice that…
I also really hope they don’t change the potion thing. It’s perfect, and I even played an alchemist the first time.
I have to agree, I feel like I was totally rushed into the last battle in chapter III. Didn’t feel like I had time to explore the open world at that time in the game anymore. But dunno, maybe it changes depending on what you did?
My only complaint is that I sometimes found it pretty hard to follow characters and places names, like joe said, you should really read up on them in your journal.
Also, a little stronger recap of the Witcher I, at the beginning, would have been nice. But that’s only because I never played it, and love witcher II so much
But the most annoying thing was that after combat it takes a couple of seconds for “combat mode” to turn off and until you can start looting stuff. Doesn’t sound like much, but in the long run it get a little annoying.
Also, sometimes I couldn’t see the UI because it’s so small and the background was the same color. I am referring, for example, to a quicktime event where I didn’t even know there was one because I couldn’t see the little icon saying “repeatedly click the mouse!”. Also, when I finally noticed the “mouse-bar”-thing, I still didn’t know what to click so I just clicked both buttons as fast as I could
To me, this game is 10/10. Finally a game that is rewarding. Can’t even remember the last challenging game I played, before witcher II. Except for maybe STALKER, with all the mods that make the game more difficult that I could find
PS. I prefer characters slamming the door in your face, to them just fading away at the doors like in Fallout. There’s a load between the areas, that’s why both games do these things.
I have to say that I love the Journal in this game.
It’s not just: meaningless lore behind quest + kill xx monsters.
It’s a book writen by Dandelion, he writes what Witcher did and what he plans to do. Biographies of NPC’s besides facts have also thoughts of Dandelion of this person.
This is how a RPG journal should look. “They killed my family, go kill 20 of them” is good for hack and slash games. Reading is part of playing RPGs.
Also developers said they are trying to implement print option, so you could print whole journal and have small book of your adventures. They did not promise it will get to the game, becouse they are not sure if it is going to be possible to impelement such a thing, bu they are going to try hard to do so.
Last week they announced Witcher 2 is going to be released on XBox 360 at the and of 2011. They are going to make improvments to the game, tweaks to UI and other staff like that. But whats more important it’s that all those changes will also be patched to PC version. Consol version won’t be superior to PC. If there is going to be something making game better on XBox it is going on PC also.
My biggest concern is save game system. I don’t understand why couldn’t be there some kind of “Profile” system. This game has 16 endings, and all of them you will be able to transfer from Witcher 2 to 3. Managing all of your saves, backing them up, etc right now is just annoying. I wish they changed it.
Also, there is not going to be any DLC’s you have to pay for. No “New sword just for 5$”, “New hair style for 3.99$” etc. If there is going to be something like that it will be for free. New hair styles where included in patch 1.2. Developers said, that if there is going to be a paid expansion, it will be a complietly new chapter, not just one or two side quests.
And I’m pretty sure the ending looks like it looks (ok, I think there is another reason, but about it later on), becouse they already have plans for another chapter. And we gonna see proper ending, with some “summary” and maybe cinematic with last expansion like that (no idea how many they plan, maybe only one, maybe more).
About this another reason with ending… After genius prolog, awesome chapter 1 and really good chapter 2 (both of them) we had not so interesting chapter 3 and epilog. Like a guy on one of polish sites about gaming said — The Witcher 2 have same feeling as Dragon Age 2. They both feel like they had their budged cut (DA 2 maybe even 50% -.-). CDProjekt had financial problems, so guess they had to put out Withcer 2 bit earlier or they would have to cut it out.
Hopefully they are gonna make enough money on Witcher 2 so they can make Witcher 3 even more awesome. As they said, Witcher 2 was sold in 400 thousand copies in the first week. For a PC only game it’s really good. Selling 1 milion copies till end of the year is possible, and also there is going to be XBox version with end of the year. They work hard on PS3 version, but they are not sure when or if at all it’s going to be released.
I also like reading the stuff in the journal and books you pick up throughout the game. This is something Bioware is going to try to remove completely, as their Director of Marketing said no one reads them.
Also, this…
i dont know if you’ll have time with e3 and stuff but your review should be duke nukem!! oh yeah hail to the king baby.
Good review, tho I don’t agree with the criticism on the inventory and fast-travel. When you get used to it you can find stuff in the inventory pretty quickly. Crafting can be done by NPCs and potions you can brew yourself. I didn’t really miss the lack of fast-traveling. If people could fast-travel they would miss a lot of side quests and materials for potions and crafting. What I missed in this game however was a chest where you could save stuff from your inventory, like crafting materials. I had a continous shortage on inventory space because of the materials I carried around.
About the combat system: targeting can be hard at first if you’re not used to the targeting system. You have to keep your camera fixed on one enemie to hit it. Blocking also works a bit different than other games. When an enemy has broken your block and is hitting you, you have to roll away first and then you can block again. However they made blocking and targeting more easy with the new patch 1.2. And also the prologue is easier now.
I agree with most of the points you made. I would only said something more about second act. It’s changes completely depending on choices you made earlier. Nonlinearity is the biggest feature of this game.
yeah, depending on your decision, u’ll go to different cities on act2, and have a completely different quest,conversation..it has more city than entire DA2.shame on u bioware
this sounds a little like morrowind
I’m having as blast with this game. Yeah, the controls can be a bit trying at first, but if you play with a controller it becomes much easier. And more fun.
This is a teriffic game and too many reviewers are piling on it because of its minor flaws. But it is so gorgeous and the story is really well-told that I’m finding it a joy to play.
Watching you criticizing the targeting system while a combat video played in the background made me lol. You just didn’t get how it works did you? You target the one that is in front of your camera. Imagine a crosshair in the middle of the screen if you will, where you point it that’s who you target. In the video you didn’t move the camera at all and just attacked.
Agreed with everything else, apart from the quick travelling. I kinda enjoyed wondering around, didn’t really mind it.
While I will agree that the tutorial is a complete mess for combat, I gotta say that no fast travel is pretty awesome. The world in this game is so amazing, and it is obvious the developers wanted everyone to see it, and not just skip it,. Also the Inventory system is not great but is not a damn nightmare to figure out like everyone is saying. I would of probably given this a 9/10, or hell a 10/10 for this being the second game that CD Project made. Also this is the first RPG from Europe that I played that didn’t suffer from terrible voice acting/dialogue. Hell the Witcher 1 was like Lawrence of Arabia being told by Middle School Kids.
Finally the Witcher 2 review is here! Finally all the whining about people whining on where’s TW2 review is can stop.
Great review, Joe. It’s nice to see a reviewer who likes challenge and doesn’t like the hand-holding gameplay that plagues most games today. You shouldn’t be ashamed of comparing TW2 t o Dragon Age 2, seeing as DA2 is the only big RPG released so far this year. Also, it’s a good example of a sequel doing more things wrong than right unlike TW2. Besides, the likes of Bioware taking digs at FFXIII, a game I’m not a fan of, but when a developer takes shots at a competitor isn’t that a dick move?
On the things you mentioned in the review, like the blocking something don’t work. Blocking is tied to your vigor so you were probably out of vigor, hence why you couldn’t block. I’m fine with that because if you can block all the time, your strategy will only consist of holding down the block button and strike straight after enemy makes their move. Anyway, there’s a mod out to have blocking not tied to vigor.
Regarding the tutorial, it didn’t bother me as all the information you need are on the manual and journal. I’m into old-school RPGs like Planescape: Torment, Baldur’s Gate and Gothic series, so reading the manual is must for me, besides I like reading them when it comes to RPGs. I had no problem with not being able to drink potions during a fight, the game usually let’s you know when a boss fight is coming up.
The lack of fast travel also didn’t bother me. The world isn’t huge like in Oblivion so I don’t think fast travel is necessary. Besides, I like to travel on foot to admire the awesome scenery.
While there are less women to do it with and no more sex cards in TW2, the sex scenes are done better than the original. Most of the sex scenes in TW1 consist of Geralt wooing a lady, screen goes to black, sex card comes up and everything is back to normal. The scene with Geralt and Triss in the Elven Bath puts any Bioware’s awkward dry humping to shame.
My main criticism of the game is the difficulty curve declines after Act I. I found Act I harder than the other two Acts. I’m used to difficult RPGs and I was hoping it got harder after Act I or at least maintain its difficulty. I mean how satisfying to kill those Queen Endregas, as I used traps, bombs, signs and finishing the beasts off with my sword. I barely died in Act II and III, even with the final bosses. The patch 1.2 addresses frame-rate and responsiveness of the controls, though I had no problems with either, but I’m disappointed that the patch also nerfed the prologue. I hope the next Witcher game, CDProjkect won’t create an easier game and implement hand-holding features just to satisfy those few whiners who can’t seem to find the difficulty slider in the menu. TW2 is difficult compared to your average games, but it’s punishingly hard like Demon’s Soul, a game I also love.
Sorry for the long post, but TW2 satisfied me that DA2 didn’t. I got to mention one more thing, the original Witcher was fine game. When it was first released it had its share of bugs and presentation wasn’t as good but the Enhanced Edition addresses a lot of those flaws. Hardcore RPGers should definitely check it out, as you’ll get much more of the story in TW2 if you play the first.
Yeah the mod is called Patch 1.2
The mod that makes blocking not tied to vigor is a user-created mod and not created by CDProjekt themselves so it’s not in Patch 1.2.
OMG the beginning made me laugh so hard XD Great review as always Joe!!!
Great review as usual joe