Battleship: The Video Game Review
Release Date: May 15th, 2012
Platform: Xbox 360, PS3
Developer: Double Helix Games
Publisher: Activision
Genre: FPS
Players: 1 Offline Player
Angry Joe sinks your Battleship. A 4-hour long movie-licensed game that has a total of 7 levels and 5 weapons, need I say more? B4 you continue to play Diablo 3 or Max Payne which released on the same day, check out Joe H8 on this lazy FPS/RTS hybrid.
Blip.tv Version:
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324 thoughts on “Battleship: The Video Game Review”
Joe, you are my new Hero! Thank you for sinking this Battleship!
thanks battleship the movie for giving us this peace of shit game
Hey, just noticed this. The marines are all wearing goggles AND they have goggles resting on their helmets. uuuummmmm why?
I think they should have named the game “battleshit” would have made more sense that way xD
Great review 64 ppl buying this game? ftw? <.<?
did joe dye his hair
The real problem with movie-licensed games is that they don’t get enough development time. I’d imagine the marketing campaign doesn’t get around to “Okay, what kind of tie-ins can we do” until production is in full swing, to save the trouble of creating a licensing nightmare if the project itself gets stuck in development hell. Unless you’re talking long-term projects like Lord of the Rings or Star Wars, at that point there’s not really enough time to conceive of a way to tie the film into a game, design it, build it, and test it. The only advantage is that the film theoretically does some of the marketing heavy-lifting for you, but when the movie is shit, well…
Worst part? They probably could have made a tidy profit off it if they’d just:
a) Made the movie decent. That’s asking a lot, I know.
b) Stuck to Battleship mechanics for the game and just given it a full-3D facelift, perhaps with some alternate modes of play. (Can you beat the computer in X shots? Can you beat the computer starting with fewer ships?) You know, how Peggle is fun but what really puts it over the top are things like the particle effects during special shots and the great sound design.
c) Put it on X-Box Live Arcade for like $10, $15. Maybe $20 to cover Hasbro’s licensing fees and they everything in it was refined and polished to a mirror shine.
Your suggestions are all valid, very valid. But there are just two problems that stem from the other party:
1. Doing any of those would imply putting actual care for gamers and effort for developement, two things that make money grubbers play pass-the-bucket until doomsday.
2. Double Helix.
Double-helix also developed Green Lantern: the Manhunters and GI Joe: Rise of Cobra. Does it ring a bell Joe?
…wait, how are they in business? These games can’t be selling that well, can they? And none of the associated films have done particularly well…
It is most likely a Faustian deal with the devil/Corporate Commander. That would explain a lot, wouldn’t it?
Wow……just wow! This is a goddamn mess! *salute* Commander Joe may I advise that the army goes forth and wipe out any and all copies of this game and stage raiding partys to insure that they can’t replenish there stock of copies!
why do you buy these games? everyone (including you and the viewers who suggest it) know they suck
Because he wants us to know why we musn’t buy them. That’s our supreme commanders mission: To combat the sales of bad games made by the evil of Corporate commander.
You are a rank Gunner sir, I know you must know this and this recruit apologises for telling you something you already know, Sir!
*Salute*
Apologies, I mistook your rank recruit. Well, now you know.
Oh my god, this game!it has a ton of nerve for demanding full price for a 4 hour game (Seriously,four hours!?What the fuck!?) that is the worst THING I have ever heard of!I feel so sorry for you for having to review games like these:you are truely a brave soul,Commander.*salute*
*Salute*
i don’t believe that making it an actual battleship game, would make me wanna buy it…..it’s shitty….i mean,come on, rihanna is in this movie….this game is cursed
another shitty-ass-insulting-based-on movie game
Supreme Commander Angry Joe;
This recruit wishes to give his gratitude for your continuing sacrifice, bravery and loyalty.
Had it not been for you, many of us here would have made horrible choices in regards to the games we continue to buy.
I will continue to follow the Angry Joy army in the endless war against bad games, greedy developers/Publishers who continue to work underneath the evil of Corporate Commander.
*Salute*
Commander Joe, That is all this recruit wishes to say.
I didnt even know that Rhianna was in the movie. I thought it was going to be good because Liam Neeson was in it, BUT, unfortunately Rhianna has blessed this movie with her presence….honestly, shes like the Kristen Stewart of moives, if shes in the movie, its going to be awful. But the game, that is just hilarious, Battleship being an fps, that has to be on purpose. How can a game company release such a game and say it was a success and the team that worked on it are proud of what they did. I think, it went something like this, ‘ oh hey activision, whats that? you want us to make a game for Battleship the movie. but nobody likes or buys movie licensed games, sorry what? you want us to sell it at $60? and your completely serious, ok, we shall get right on it, Double Helix Games expression: >_>. and thus was born Battleship the game haha
Hey, joe i have a question. Why did you not give this game a 1/10? did you think the RTS section was “that” good?
I still believe that giving it a 1/10 would be generous. It looks lazy as ever. More lazy than Mindjack
Mindjack…? MINDJACK?! Oh god, do not compare any game to that wretched sack of ungodly shit. Well, except Sonic Free Riders.
1/10 score should be meant for a game that is not only garbage like Battleship, but also broken on every level.
Battleship is garbage, no doubt about that, but at least it is not broken on every level like Mindjack was.
And it is better to have a non-existing plot, than a plot that is not only piss-poorly put together, but also treats the player like a complete and utter retard.
Now, i am NOT defending battleship, but everytime someone makes a comparison to Mindjack, I just completely lose it.
I hate that game so much… It made me feel ashamed to have ever become a gamer.
But bottomline is:
BattleShip = Garbage, but at least not utterly broken garbage.
Mindjack = I am convinced this game was put together by the anti-christ as a punishment for mankind.
Joe pays, we learn. Thank you.
Your sacrifice will not be forgotten Joe.
*Salute*
I’m am honestly surprised that they thought of releasing this game when Max Payne 3 and Diablo 3, no, not surprised but astounded by their either balls or stupidity in doing so
*at the same time as Max Payne 3 and Diablo 3*
I don’t think it was done on purpose. That would imply actual effort on part of this peace of garbage.
I think they just finished it and said: “Just put it out there… I said put it out there, now do it or you are fired.”
*Actual Effort on part of this PIECE of garbage
First all, you are very generous of giving a 2/10, heck even a 1/10 is generous. Even when I heard about the movie coming out, I already knew that Battleship game would suck. SPOILER ALERT!! The Avengers game will suck too. Four hours is an insult. All I gotta say is YOU SHOULD GIVE ZEROS!!!!!
FOOOOOOOOOOOUURRRR HOOOOOOUUUURRRRSSS!
For me it had about 200 bugs like the game crashing or losing all of my ammo when i kill some thing
did angry joe smoke weed?
From the creators of battleship, next spring Morgan Freeman IS…
…MONOPOLY!!!
or chess
or Cluedo
Or Rock-Paper-Scissors.
Another money grabbing project by Activision and Double Helix creators of such classics like Green Lantern Rise of the Manhunters, G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra, Front Mission Evolved and… Silent Hill Homecoming ??
Here is a good question: Name one good game that Double Helix has actually developed.
… See? You can’t. Why?
BECAUSE DOUBLE HELIX F*****G SUCKS!!!
Why are people handing these projects over to them?!
Silent Hill Homecoming was borderline blasphemy, But Front Mission? One of my favourite turn based mech strategy RPG’s of all time, made into a 3rd person shooter?!
Fuck Double Helix, and fuck Square Enix for utterly raping every single one of my favourite game franchises the way they have!
… I really do not understand this brainwave of theirs anymore…
Oh that’s right, that would imply there being a semblance of humanity involved with these people.
And now, to wash the taste of these shitty games, I’m going to play Front Mission 3. And so should all of you!
This should have been a cheap arcade title to download with a more RTS element, but people keep buying these pieces of crap so the companies will take advantage.
Great review as always Joe – stay angry.
Well…… this is to be expected of a movie license game, unfortunately. I just hope that the next Spiderman game sees a comeback. I LOVED the second movie gameand we need to see more time and care put into these types of games
Awesome review, love seeing the Angry Joe coming out again, and deservedly so in this case.
The Battleship IP has a lot more potential than the movie and game they’re trying to sell to us, but I guess Activision focus group testing told them that if they had released a real naval RTS game, only a minority of nerds would have bought it.
I guess the IP needed more x-factor and aliens instead.
Perhaps we should just bankrupt Activision. I know they made some good games like Prototype and the earlier Tony Hawks but for the sake of all gamers, we should just bankrupt any company who makes terrible games or screws up good series/concept ideas or game companies that do their best to suck the cash away from gamers. I’m looking at you EA!
Joe is probably the only one buying this shit game, with that 60$ Activision probably tied even for the budget of this game
Wow, what a turd of a game. Seriously? Battleship as an FPS?!? DAFUQ?!
No surprise it bombs (If the “Movie” wasn’t indication enough).
Nice one, Joe. Sink that Battlesh!t. And flush that Game down your Toilet while you’re at it!
Joe! Your show is awesome. Def bought 2 worlds 2 because of your review and the game kicks ass. All I gotta know though is WHY DID YOU BUY THIS GAME? Max Payne….Dragons Dogma…. But not this one!
Because someone had to make a sacrifice so we would be spared from suffering through this turd.
Supreme commander Joe,
This recruit salutes your bravery, loyalty and sacrifice you continue to make for us gamers and our wallets.
*Salute*
I see that you reviewed the XBOX360 or PS3 version of that game. Pretty good review as always, and I predict that it’ll appear as one of the “Top 10 Worst Games of 2012″. Have you reviewed the Nintendo Wii, Nintendo DS, or Nintendo 3DS versions of that game yet? It is done by Magic Pockets instead of Double Helix Games, and that the game genre for these versions is turn-based strategy instead of the first-person shooter.
Wow you were too easy on this one, Joe. Should have been 1/10 even with the ticket to see the movie which is horrible. BTW why don’t you review movies anymore? I was hoping you would review The Avengers
Damn, this game looks bad but look on the bright side. It looks a lot better than Battleship the Movie
“”GameFawx said;”1′s only go to games that are considered “Released Beta’s”. Games so broken they are completely un-playable. Joe’s score give a minimum 2 to any game that is playable with little to no glitches.”"
That makes sense, but shouldn’t broken games(Sonic Free-riders, cough …cough..) be given a zero as they are not even worth the disc they are printed on? Or even a separate label other than epic failure?
You are suffering for the good of gamers everywhere, your word shall be spread among the masses
Idea: Before the start of each movie that has a video game spin off, we should rush in with a copy of the game, burn it, and give kids, or the grown adult that plays these games, a 10$ alternative which would not only be satisfying, but longer than 4 hours.
Spread the word, it time for a REVOLUTION!!!
2 things
1. oh look, a crappy movie adaptation, what are the odds. (when re reading that in my head, it sounded like Mr. Popo from DBZ Abridged for some reason)
2. now that i think about the board game, it is technical naval warfare between 2 forces who are COMPLETELY EVEN in terms of numbers and fire power, how the hell do aliens even make sense in terms of that? (that being said, it’s Michael Bay, who is turning the Teenage MUTANT Ninja Turtles into aliens.)
and i can see it now.
Announcer: in a world made nearly entirely of candy, crap starts exploding because……….aliens, because thats the only thing Michael Bay can think of (it made sense in Transformers since they already were to begin with, but now hes just going crazy with it). CANDY LAND THE MOVIE!!!! Exploding in a theater near you next summer!
Thank you so much for reviewing craps haha. Even though, I would never bought it, I’m really dissapointed by activision seriously. Bu just a remark Joe, one of my favorite ps3 games is a movie license. I know I am a die hard fan of Ghosbusters, but seriously, that game is genius on the ps3. Aslo, don’T forget the great but not excellent aliens vs predator and the also very decent Godfather game.
CAN YOU PLEASE UPDATE YOUR VIDEO PLAYER JO!!!
I have not been able to watch one of your video’s in a while because of the issue.
I got a crappy internet connection and I let the videos load before I watch them on any other site, but yours.
I don’t know what you use but please do something.
Interesting. The difficulty spike to lengthen game time.
Haven’t seen that employed so cynically since the NES days.
JOE! PLEASE LOOK AT THIS!
There actually is a REALLY GREAT Movie licensed game out there. You need to review it, and show the world, with using this game as an example, that excellent movie games can be made. Look it up, its called The Bourne Conspiracy. It’s a little old, but its one hell of an awesome game.
battleshit did not stand a chance against The Avengers at he box office I hope Universal learns from this that you just cant make garbage anymore! Aswell as a shit game based on a movie based on a game what is wrong with the world today lol.
I know, a bad game on a good movie makes sense, but a bad movie and a bad game? I don’t see the logic.
Hey what the fuck is up with this video, it wont work. Its glitching out like crazy, jumbled pixels, lagging, green and purple flashing in and out, the entire video is fucked.
I want to watch it but cant! Im using Chrome btw.
I would like to watch it but the freaking video player doesn’t let me.
Anyway keep up the great work
Hey, don’t put the blame solely on Activision Joe! Double Helix studios is full of incompetent hacks who try to turn everything into a bland actiony title!
Don’t forget, that they did SH: Homecoming, which while somewhat decent, had bland and lackluster puzzles, combat that was far too easy for their “Action-ideal” Silent Hill game, among other things.
They also did Front Mission Evolved, which took the Strategy TB RPG Mecha title (a rare genre outside of Japan and their massive Super Robot Taisen games), and turned it into a bland and generic Armored Core ripoff. That game BOMBED in Japan harder than H-er… never mind.
Also, Green Lantern: Rise of the Manhunters, a game I’m sure you loved!
that kinda pissed me off to, i heard about a new Front Mission (i have the 4th) and heard it would be on current gen consoles and got excited……….then heard it ceased to be a RPG.
speaking of, it’d be kinda cool to see Joe review some JRPGs, that being said, he might not like them.
Hey Joe, just wanted to let you know that this video player doesn’t work. All I see is a bunch of green and purple snow. And then it freezes a lot, it’s not my computer because I have an ok laptop. I just wanted to let you know man, I’d like to enjoy your videos without green and purple snow.
Are you going to do Protoype 2? What about Diablo 3 or Max Payne 3? Can you just comment back to me when if ever you plan to do those, thanks.
Holy Crap! Heroclix at 11:19. When is Joe going to talk about those?
I say simply, don’t buy the game; ever. I doubt many will buy it anyway with Max Payne 3 and D3 out.
And the movie was pretty good.
The RTS Battle ship systme is a very interestting concept if it were in a better game they could have probably done more, but for what that system is it works quite well. where your comanding battle ships to atack enemy boats, but while still having a system of reward and danger for if you have the ships closer to were you are you get support. whle on the other hand you have the boats away from you fighting to desotry outside boats and objectives. I do agree that the game is not worth 60 dollars. but would be better suited for 40 dollar game because of the fact that the shooting is mediocre. I am just going off what you say in your like or hate about the game and from a quick look that i saw on giant bomb.