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Suprhomre

Tell me a joke

39 posts in this topic

Hi all, I'm heading out soon for a night of beer and more, and want to get into the mood. Please tell me a joke. I want to bring some good mojo in the bar. I bet you CANADIAN have plenty to tell.

 

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EA.

Best joke i heard in years...

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Best joke i heard in years...

+1

I drink to that, brrr.............that was some fire.

Lossar likes this

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Here is a joke someone posted on my FB

DO you fart in bed? THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING... SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!
Suprhomre likes this

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I had a Dream last night i was eating a ten pound marshmallow i woke up this morning 

And my pillow was gone....

 

 

Whats the best thing about dating homeless girls?

You can Drop them of anywhere

 

Whats the smartest thing that has ever come out of a girls mouth

Einsteins cock

Bimpy782 and Divergence like this

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why are flies not christians? because they are in sects

You deserve a cookie....What am I saying. You deserve a whole cake!!!

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Why did the Chicken cross the road?

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Here is a joke someone posted on my FB

 

disgusting

 

I had a Dream last night i was eating a ten pound marshmallow i woke up this morning 

And my pillow was gone....

 

 

Whats the best thing about dating homeless girls?

You can Drop them of anywhere

 

Whats the smartest thing that has ever come out of a girls mouth

Einsteins cock

not even funny

 

Son: iPhone

daughter: iPod

Mother: iPad

Father: iPaid...!

good one

 

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

no why did he?

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What did O say to Q?

Hey, put that thing back into your trousers.

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old but good

 

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods

the bear turns to the rabbit and says "do you have trouble with your shit sticking to your fur?'

the rabbit says "no"

so the bear says "really" and wipes his ass with the rabbit

Sigma081 likes this

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Do any of you know the real reason why Bruce Lee is dead? 

            what happened is that God choose Bruce Lee as his personal Budyguard, Chuck wasn't good enough for that work

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So a blonde lady is driving in her car when she notices another blonde woman with a confused look sitting in an open field in a kayak trying to paddle.

So the blonde lady hastily pulls over, runs to the fence line and screams "you know its idiots like you that give the rest of us blondes a bad name, if i could swim i'd paddle out there and beat the crap out of you"

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I apologies if this is dirty but heres one

 

Why is a T-rex always so angry all the time?

 

Because its arms are to short to make it self happy

Lawza S and Lion909 like this

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What's  a dildo farmers worst nightmare??

squatter :D

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Ladies and gentlemen, denizens of the internet, my name is Grandm,,,, the third, and i come to you with an urgent message for the holiday season.

While most of us, are enjoying our Christmas dinner, opening our presents, and enjoying the festivity's. There will be Troll's going unheard, blogs meant to start argument's not being read, threads on forums never being read before they're closed by moderators, white knights and fanboi's not caring enough to log on respond to the dribble being spouted by our beloved troll's.

Troll's all over the internet are giving up, and going back to their normal lives. If we don't act soon the internet will become a nice place, people will start to have constructive conversations, and our trol'ls will be lost forever.

Make 2014 the year of the troll. I urge you to donate as little or as much as you can, call us now on (the most expensive number in the world) 
44 0891 ** ******

£5 can buy a troll a keyboard, so they can keep on typing
£10 can get a months internet service, a troll with no internet is like a car with no wheels
£300 can buy a laptop, trolls need access to computer's
£10,000 can help to build a bridge, our new bridges can help keep our troll's protected from the wind and dry, while they attempt to make somebody's life a misery.

Ladies and gentlemen, please help us save our troll's. Make 2014 year of the troll. Don't let the whiteknights, fanboi's, and moderators win.

Thank you

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What's E.T. short for?

Because he's got little legs.

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My life?

 

What's E.T. short for?

Because he's got little legs.

Now that's awesomeness.

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Have you heard of the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines.

 

Have you tried the sushi at the airport?

Portions are great but it all tastes like luggage.

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